For as long as I can remember, I have always considered myself very emotionless. When I started learning about astrology, I attributed that to being an Aquarious. LOL, that's not it. When I was young and up until now, whenever things happen, say in my family, I have always felt the urge and need to be the strong one. I have always thought tears meant weakness, so I would never cry. When my favorite aunt passed away a few years back, I remember watching my mom and brother crying and wondering what was so wrong with me for not being able to. Either way, I felt like someone HAD to be put together. As if not showing emotion would bring her back. When my parents' marriage started to really fall apart, I felt like I had to be the strong one for my mom and brother. This has been the pattern for years now and it transcends into my friendships and relationships. I always feel as if I have to be the glue that holds everything together. I always want to protect my friends and family and I would go to the ends of the earth to do so. BUT one thing that I have been realizing lately is that in those moments where i've felt I could not show emotion, that emotion came out elsewhere. It shows up with a fury because all I do is bottle things up and think I can handle everything. THAT. is. NOT. OKAY. As a matter of fact, there is strength in showing emotion. To be whole as a human being you have to be able to experience all levels of emotion and express them in a healthy manner. If you're sad, be sad, cry, scream, talk it out. Your mental health matters. Throughout this past year, I think I have slowly started to do so, but it's hard. I still feel like I can't express my emotions and that I HAVE to be the strong one. There is beauty in weakness, there is beauty in being raw, which is something that I am slowly coming to terms with. You become a ticking time bomb when you don't deal with emotional situations head on. I have experienced situations where I have been labeled an "angry black girl" or been told that I have an attitude because of this. Anyways, bye af to those people. Don't listen to them. The reason why I feel the need to speak on this is because I know a lot of my fellow black sisters may struggle with this. You need to take care of your mental sis, just as you do your physical being. I've started to deal with this "flaw" of mine (that's what I consider it) by meditating and praying. Talking to God has made me realize that I don't have to hold on to everything. That he can be strong for me, just so I don't feel I have to. Giving certain situations to God has allowed me to slowly heal my mental. That's been working for me. If you struggle with this, find something that works for you and stick with it. I don't think it's a weakness anymore to show emotion. Like i've said a hundred times already, it's okay to express emotions, it doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. You're not an angry black girl and you are allowed to have emotions. Just remember to take care of yourself both physically and mentally. That may mean opening up parts of yourself that you may not want to. Take your time. Like I always say. You good, You popping sis.
With love,
Cherrelle
